The Last Homely House

General => Council of Cobra => Topic started by: Kenddrick on March 06, 2011, 07:02:45 AM

Title: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kenddrick on March 06, 2011, 07:02:45 AM: Background info: http://lotrtcgdb.com/forums/index.php/topic,6453.0.html

Guys does anyone have any advice on how to cope with the feeling of being lonely/sad at night?

I am a normal person in the day (most of the time). But when it comes to nightime I lie on my bed and I try to block out all the memories and the tears from flowing but I realise that I cannot stop the memories from coming back. Then the tears come flowing and it hurts.

Also, I had a dream about my relationship and in the dream we were still together and everything was happy. Then I woke up and it hit me so hard that I felt my head was going to explode and then the tears came.

How do it cope with these feelings?

It's all the memories that come gushing in. It's really really driving me crazy. :(
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kralik on March 06, 2011, 08:38:44 AM: I realize you said you have no friends outside of your ex, but you need to find some people that you can hang out with and enjoy life. Do you have any social outlets? Try something different that doesn't involve places or things you enjoyed with her. You can always hang out around here, of course, but some real life interaction is more important for healing.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kenddrick on March 06, 2011, 08:40:46 AM: Kralik I still don't understand why would she want to go on a holiday with me, or even hang out with me. :(

She says it's just as friends but... :(
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kralik on March 06, 2011, 08:44:56 AM: Let me clarify:

Quote from: Kralik on March 06, 2011, 08:38:44 AM
I realize you said you have no friends outside of your ex, but you need to find some OTHER people that you can hang out with and enjoy life.

Take it from those who have gone through this before--hanging out with her and hoping she will change her mind will only make things worse.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kenddrick on March 06, 2011, 10:28:34 AM: Ok but how do I cope with the feelings at night because I can literally feel the heartache.

I'm thinking of taking those pills meant for migraines as they will make you sleepy. Then I could just sleep.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kenddrick on March 06, 2011, 11:11:12 AM: SHE JUST POSTED THIS on her tumblr blog. I have been clinging onto hope all this while. All that is gone now. She re-posted it from some site.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having a One-Year Stand

You can be with someone for an entire year and have it feel like a one-night stand. For 365 days, you can watch the sun rise while lying in bed with someone and want to slip out the door every time. You’d write them a note saying, “Had fun!” or maybe you wouldn’t. Maybe you’d just run like #$&*@!.

It’s hard to understand why our feelings can be so ephemeral and betray us so often. You’d like to think you could love a certain someone just because they’re nice and cook you spaghetti and play the right Miles Davis song when you’re ready to have sex, but it’s never that simple. You know this now, but you didn’t know it then.

You’ll meet this person at a party, on the street, through a friend when you’ll be starving for affection. It’s been awhile since you’ve been shown any love, since you’ve been fed, and this person will seem right for the job. Fine. You’re hired. Love me.

In the beginning, everything about them will excite you. Their opinions on Woody Allen (GIVE ME MORE!), their upbringing, their aspirations: it will all be riveting. Study them like an archaeologist would study bones. Look through their history, look for cracks, look to see if they have a problem you aren’t willing to inherit.

Spend the entire weekend together and experience 48 hours of important lovely moments. You’re in your sheets intertwined and losing track of time, going out for a late dinner and maybe getting drunk off beer. You feel alive for the entire weekend. Everything you were doing before this? You were dead.

You sleep together quickly because everyone rushes into bed these days. You like what you see, feel, hear, and you like the idea of their body belonging to yours indefinitely. Yes! You’ll take it. Give me that body, babe.

Two months go by. You go to work, you go to your lover, and you go to dinner with your friends to talk about your lover. “It just feels nice to have somebody, you know? Whatever we have, it’s normal. It’s refreshing.” Say these words over and over even if you don’t know what they exactly mean. Your friend will nod and be happy for you and then there’ll be a pregnant pause, and you’ll have to say, “Enough about me! How’s working at the eating disorder unit at Beth Israel?!” This will be the natural flow of things. This is your life now. These are your dinners, these are your friends. This is it.

After five months, your relationship hit its apex at a noodle bar on Carmine and Bleecker on a Saturday afternoon. Across from you and your significant other, there was a woman by herself reading a book and gingerly eating her soup. She looked sad and frumpy and it made you clutch your lover’s hand that much tighter. You never felt more safe being in a relationship and vowed to never go back to dining at noodle bars alone or going grocery shopping to buy two cups of yogurt, three bananas, noodles and tomato sauce. Actually, you’re not sure if you ever did those things. You always eat out with your friends and you use FreshDirect for your groceries. Whatever. The point is that you never felt more secure in being with someone than you did that day.

And then things begin to dissolve into crumpled wrapping paper. You start to get annoyed at them for things that would’ve made you smile two months earlier. You bring your lover on an outing with your friends and they get too drunk. Your face turns red with embarrassment and you apologize profusely saying, “I don’t even know this person right now.” One night, while making dinner in your kitchen, they tell you a joke that makes you angry instead of laugh. “Do you know that you just ruined dinner? ‘Cause you did.”

They didn’t return your Netflix video. They need to shave. They need a new face for when they orgasm because the one they have now sucks. These things all add up and get put in a box labeled, “Over it.”

Think about who your lover really is. Know every little detail of their life, about their strained relationship with their mother, about the time they cried in front of a convenience store. Know it all and begin to understand that it doesn’t mean #$&*@!.

Come to the shocking conclusion that you have nothing in common with this person. Realize you’re the best at tricking yourself, at creating tender moments to avoid being the lonely woman in the noodle bar. You can laugh, smile, get turned on and orchestrate a perfect relationship. That’s not to say all of it is fake. That would be…scary. You did look at your lover and feel warm inside and care for their well-being. You took them to the ER when they had stomach pains and you were happy to do it. That was all real. You were hoping it would eventually become less exhausting and more natural though. It never did. Your happiest moment together had nothing to do with them, it had to do with you no longer being alone.

They know you’re gone. You’re here lying in bed with them, but you’re actually at the beach, you’re shopping for boots, you’re busy at work and not loving them.

You’ll tell them in your apartment right before your anniversary and they’ll grow silent. Finally, they’ll develop an edge in their voice and say, “You’re incapable of loving. You’re broken. Damaged goods. Good luck with that.”

Their anger will turn you on and you’ll respond, “I’m not incapable of loving. I’m just incapable of loving you.”

And that’s a wrap on a one-year stand. They are ctrl+alt+deleted from your life that moment forward. You’ll miss them sometimes, but mostly you’ll just be scared that they were right about you being damaged. Know that there’s only one way to find out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just lost all my reason for living. I don't even know what to say.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kenddrick on March 06, 2011, 11:44:06 AM: I just don't want to do anything right now. My world just came crashing down. Nothing can ease my pain nor my tears. I just.......want to cease to exist.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: hrcho on March 06, 2011, 11:52:20 AM: Dude... calm down. You lost her, it's not armageddon or the end of the world. Things change... that's life for you. Sometimes it's for the better, sometimes it's for the worst. You never know and just have to hope it's the former. For all we know, this may have just been the best thing that ever happened to you, but you just don't see it yet. So long as you don't do something stupid and cowardly as taking your life. Then the pain will indeed stop, but you lose the chance to feel happy again and it's simply not worth it.

As I said things change... actually, as one Croatian poet once said: The only thing constant is change. (although he said it much more poetically).

So cry, weep, #$&*@! as much as you have to if that's your way of dealing with things, just remember that you once knew happiness and trust me that you will feel it again.

Now stop being a sissy and get drunk! (jk)
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: ket_the_jet on March 06, 2011, 12:47:31 PM: Ken,

The average life expectancy in Singapore is 80.7 years (http://www.google.com/publicdata?ds=wb-wdi&met=sp_dyn_le00_in&idim=country:SGP&dl=en&hl=en&q=average+life+expectancy+singapore). You are 20 years old. Do you genuinely believe that, living a just a quarter of your life expectancy, that this girl defined your life?

Retrospectively, it is a bummer that you did spend so much time with her because now you feel like you can't turn to anyone else. But rather than sitting on TLHH all day lamenting the past, go look towards the future.

I am telling you, you have a sister who is a year apart from yourself. Spend some time with her and her friends. Go shoot billiards somewhere and meet people. Go to parks and restaurants and bars and stores and libraries and schools and wherever. Immerse yourself in the world around you. Volunteer somewhere. You will certainly meet people and at the very least you could overlook your perceived misery and help people. If nothing else, you may see true suffering. It could really put things in perspective.

Make art. Write a book. Make music. Use this time to improve yourself and the world around you.
-wtk
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: ramolnar on March 06, 2011, 01:49:03 PM: Quote from: Kenddrick on March 06, 2011, 08:40:46 AM
Kralik I still don't understand why would she want to go on a holiday with me, or even hang out with me. :(

She says it's just as friends but... :(
Kenddrick: Don't try the "just friends" thing. There's an American saying, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" It's often used to describe females giving males sex. But it can apply the other way, too. She knows that you'll be kind to her and support her and make her feel wanted. But she won't have to do the same in return. It's one-way attention, and she's trying to use you. If she's not willing to be attentive back, she's not worthy of it.

Also, don't read her blog! Unfriend her on Facebook if you haven't already. Remove her phone number from your phone. Hide all the emails and pictures. Those make it worse.

Yes, the feeling sucks. Quite a bit. My story isn't as tragic as say FM's in the other thread, but I remember being dumped. It's not fun. You might cry for a while. Then the new things take over - school, work, activity of your choice. If you can't think of anything, try gym workouts. At the least, you'll be in better shape and more attractive in the future.
You won't forget her (particularly as your "first") but there will be place for someone new, eventually.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: macheteman on March 06, 2011, 02:31:15 PM: i just want to echo what ket said. get out and do stuff. switch your focus from yourself to others. the more you do that, the happier you will be. like ket said: volunteer somewhere. help people. learn to live for something BIG. i honestly believe that if your focus is on the people around you, and not your own problems, you will find yourself very happy and fulfilled.

and of course, make music.

"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." - Victor Hugo
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Iluvatar on March 06, 2011, 03:36:51 PM: There is a saying that whatever we focus on we cause to grow stronger. The more you focus on your ex-girlfriend, the more difficult it will be for you to get over her. For heaven's sake don't be with her as "just friends". Avoid being with her. If you must see her, be friendly, but not friends. Certainly don't go looking for stuff she's written on the Internet.

When we've been close with someone, there are biological and chemical changes that take place inside our bodies. It takes about 3 months for these chemicals to go away. That means it will take a minimum of about 3 months of NOT SEEING HER, and NOT DWELLING ON HER, for you to get over her. Whenever you see her, or focus on her with your actions, you reset the clock.

Humans are very strange creatures. We like to think that our actions follow our thoughts and feelings but it is usually the opposite, our thoughts and feelings follow our actions. You can look up "cognitive dissonance" for more information about this. The point is that your feelings will follow your actions so the more your actions focus on your ex-girlfriend, the more you will miss her. It is difficult for anyone to control their feelings directly but we all have some indirect control over our feelings by controlling our actions.

DO NOT take pills to make the feelings go away, that will only make them stronger. The feelings will not kill you (although the pills might). Grieving and crying will help you feel better. It is a loss. Grief is natural. If you have no friends or family to confide in then it would be a good idea to see a counselor or a therapist, if only to have a shoulder to cry on. Focusing on things outside yourself (other than your ex-girlfriend) will also help you feel better. Volunteering to help others, such as older people or blind people will almost certainly be a bigger benefit to you than to them.

Even though it might seem impossible now, you will get over this and there will be joy and happiness in your life again. In times like this (getting dumped by a woman I love) I've found a lot of relief by exploring new avenues of spirituality. Even if you don't find a group that feels like the right fit for you, you will almost certainly encounter much love and support and acceptance along the way.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kenddrick on March 07, 2011, 10:51:25 PM: I realized that I don't miss her. I miss who she WAS. :(

I think I'm going mad. I hear the voice of the old her in my head telling me all the things she used to say. :(

Edit: I have been going out. Slowly, little by little, I'm moving on.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: macheteman on March 08, 2011, 11:36:09 AM: good. the important thing is the direction you're heading, not how fast you get there.

:up:
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kenddrick on March 08, 2011, 12:47:59 PM: Well there are times when I look back at the memories we had and it hurts. Then I think..my ex-gf is a different person now. She's not the one I fell in love with.

And then I try to divert my thoughts elsewhere and I feel that little bit better.

Hopefully I'll make it to the end.

I'm just taking it..one step at a time.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: jdizzy001 on March 08, 2011, 07:37:06 PM: Hey Ken, take baby steps. Time heals all wounds. It is going to take time for the feelings to go away. the most important thing you can do is move on. By move on I mean don't hang out with her.

Girls have a strange habit. They feel awkward when people don't like them or are unhappy with them. So, as a result, there are a good number of females who try to maintain "friendships" with ex-boyfriends. Generally speaking it isn't to be malicious but is the way they prove to themselves that their ex is still on good terms with them. Even if you are on "good" terms the best thing to do is stay away. The time away will give your psyche time to process the feelings you have and allow them to subside. As harsh as some of the advice you've received seems, it is true. Go out, have fun, spend some time with your sister. Occupy yourself your time with activites, other than GCCG. Go to a gym, play horseshoes, spend time with other 3D people.

There is nothing you can do about the pain except wait. The only thing that may help subside it is talk about what you're feeling. By talk I mean verbalize (talk don't type) your feelings to a close friend or relative. If you must write something put it down on a sheet of paper. Write out all of your frustrations from words to curses to scribbles to holes in the paper you make with your pen. Once you're done take the piece of paper, rip it to shreds and then burn it. This sounds funny but this method has been proven to be theraputic.

The memories will always be there, and short of amnesia nothing is going to remove the memories. Is this your first girlfriend? If so, you are about to experience some very important personal growth. With that growth you will find new strength which you can embrace and use to move on.

The most important thing you can do right now is stay away from her and verbalize your feelings to a close friend. Good luck, keep your stick on the ice, we're all in this together.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: tristelune on March 09, 2011, 09:14:22 AM: I will only add my voice to the crowd, as everything I was going to write has already been written (pretty well) by others. I am sure realizing that your case is not unique at all will help you. We all have been there.
It's funny, I was going to tell EXACTLY the same thing as Ket about life expectancy being around 80 and your current age only 20... You have a whole life to live "kid" :-)

I see you started the healing process, this is pretty good and you're doing great! Keep that up, take your time, one step at a time. take care of yourself.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kenddrick on March 09, 2011, 10:49:35 AM: OK guys I will. Sometimes my thought wonders to her and I'll miss the times we had but I'll try to think of something else. Going off to bed now.

It's almost 48 hours since I cried. Hope I can become stronger.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: hrcho on March 09, 2011, 11:14:57 AM: Quote from: Kenddrick on March 09, 2011, 10:49:35 AM
It's almost 48 hours since I cried. Hope I can become stronger.

People who don't cry are not stronger by any means. Crying is good and extremely helpful. If you feel like crying, just let it go, there is nothing wrong about.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kenddrick on March 09, 2011, 08:12:00 PM: I think I've cried enough. No point crying over a different girl. I must must must look forward and move on.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: jdizzy001 on March 09, 2011, 08:36:47 PM: By the way, Crying is good for your eyes. squinting at a computer screen is not ;). Your thoughts are going to wander to her from time to time. This is completely normal. You were with the girl for 3 years. That means for 1095 days you thought about her habitually. This is going to be a tough habit to break. Just stay productive. Productivity is important. There is a difference between being productive and being busy. Be productive not busy. Check it out, you made it through another day, congrats!
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kev-La on March 16, 2011, 06:35:32 AM: Kenddrick, I've been where you're at, and I know how you feel.
The first girl I ever fell in love with, dumped me suddenly after 9 months (to the day), with no explanation. I was absolutely crushed, and spent at least 6 months or more suffering quite severe depression. Nothing has ever hurt me as much as losing that lady's love.
I was 21 at the time.
I'm now 34 and with the 4th girl I've ever fallen in love with. We recently celebrated our first 3 years together, and are happier and happier together all the time.
My point is, although things look bleak now, there is a very good chance that you will find real joy again, and probably even greater than you've experienced already.
Believe in yourself. Believe in happiness. Believe that you can change things if you want to.
Give yourself time. Everything will be all right.

P.S. I recently had a dream that I was back with my first love. It was a happy dream. When I first woke up and realised that it was but a dream, I felt that crushing feeling in my heart. A second later, I realised that I was lying next to a woman who I can only describe as The Love Of My Life. The crushing feeling disappeared and I went back to sleep.
We never forget those we have loved, but we also never know when a new love will find us.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kenddrick on March 17, 2011, 11:15:20 PM: She's seriously psychotic wtf has happened to her? Now she wants to call me and talk to be about stuff with other guys despite not wanting to be together with me? I'm feeling a bit angry about this. Seriously what's her problem?!!

Edit: I'm not even close to crying anymore. Getting used to single life now.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: hrcho on March 18, 2011, 02:47:09 AM: Quote from: Kenddrick on March 17, 2011, 11:15:20 PM
She's seriously psychotic wtf has happened to her? Now she wants to call me and talk to be about stuff with other guys despite not wanting to be together with me? I'm feeling a bit angry about this. Seriously what's her problem?!!

You need to tell her that. Otherwise you don't have a right to be angry.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: FM on March 18, 2011, 04:06:19 AM: Quote from: Kenddrick on March 17, 2011, 11:15:20 PM
She's seriously psychotic wtf has happened to her? Now she wants to call me and talk to be about stuff with other guys despite not wanting to be together with me? I'm feeling a bit angry about this. Seriously what's her problem?!!

Edit: I'm not even close to crying anymore. Getting used to single life now.

And, for the 1000000th time, you seriously need to shun her. Told you before on MSN, that is NOT the behavior of someone who actually cares about you and want you by her side, it's just a "girl power" thing ("I don't want him, but I don't want anyone to have him either, so I'll keep him close by, just in case").
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: jdizzy001 on March 18, 2011, 10:04:47 PM: Quote from: FM on February 13, 1974, 08:30:37 PM
it's just a "girl power" thing ("I don't want him, but I don't want anyone to have him either, so I'll keep him close by, just in case").

I second that. It would be best to communicate to her that she needs to move on. It won't be easy, but she can't "hog" you. She'll get upset if you call her out on this, but you should call her out on it. She'll probably throw it back in your face and claim she is trying to be friends, but as we've mentioned, you both need time for past emotions to subside before real genuine civil converstations can take place. Sounds like you both need time away.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Kenddrick on March 21, 2011, 01:09:15 AM: I'm not going to be with her given the way she is now.

But I do wonder sometimes where the old her has gone. It makes me feel very very sad when I think of how she used to be.
Title: Re: Need advice on how to cope
Post by: Mager on March 21, 2011, 08:01:40 AM: I know a friend too ,shes anna kenddrick. She is smart. I think your situation is just like mine. I think you will get better. Between, Be tall!
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