The News... (According to AD)

[AgentDrake]

Hello, all. Super-Secret AgentDrake here, reporting with the news that the mass media, the governments of the world, the educational institutions of the world, and (most of all,) the psychiatric institutions of the world don't want you to know! I'm reporting through the secret agent news service AgentDrake Press (ADP.)

I've done some super-secret-agent-type investigating, and have uncovered various secrets of the universe which I will post here in pseudo-timely fashion.* Comments, thoughts, and ridicule are welcome.

*DISCLAIMER: I didn't write all this stuff, just some of it. And most, if not all, of the accompanying images on some of the reports I have planned, are not by me either. I'm just posting fake news that I find funny.

Our first story comes from Kennedy National Airport, just last week:




TEACHER ARRESTED AT KENNEDY (ADP)
NEW YORK, NY --
Today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Justice Department spokesman said, on condition of remaining anonymous for fear of reprisal. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President-elect Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

[DáinIronfoot]

...yeah, I think this may be the most appropriate use of this smiley in the history of CC/TLHH:



Seriously, though, as one that hates Al-Gebra with a passion...keep up the good work!

[sickofpalantirs]

I always joked that textbooks were weapons of mass instruction, yours is better though

[Kralik]

Seriously, though, as one that hates Al-Gebra with a passion...keep up the good work!

Hey now!

[DáinIronfoot]

My brain just isn't built for it. I am more susceptible to weapons of math destruction than most...but seemingly immune to any and all amounts of math instruction.

[Kralik]

Thanks AD! I shared this with my Algebra students. They didn't seem to get the humor... but at least I got a kick out of it.